The Houston Astros are cheaters. A bunch of cheating McCheatersons. The Astros will be reviled this year. Cheating is wrong, everyone learns that in kindergarten. I wish all baseball teams behaved nobly. I wish all people behave nobly. My head agrees with all these statements.
You know what else I believe? That many other teams and players were cheating. The Astros simply got caught. More than that, they got caught and they were the winners. They were really good at cheating. If they were the cheating losers, like the other players now complaining, the Astros probably would already be forgotten about, a footnote in cheating history. This does not excuse their behavior though. If I get pulled over for speeding and I point out that lots of other people speed, that is not a justification for my breaking of the law. Although, if I point out that I was simply going with the flow of traffic, maybe, just maybe, I will get off with a warning. Kind of like the Astros did.
I see lots of ballplayers complaining, and I wonder how many of them have ever been tipped off on a pitch in a less-than-noble manner. I wonder how many of the ballplayers complaining are cheating on their wives. I wonder how many of them cheated by taking steroids. Roger Clemens used steroids, let’s take away any New York Yankees championship in which he took part. While we are at it, remember those Minnesota Twins back in the day at the Metrodome, when the air-conditioning would be turned on to blow in from centerfield only while the visiting team was batting? That’s cheating. Let’s take away the 1987 and 1991 championships from the Twins.
If the culture of baseball decides it wants to put an asterisk on the Astros World Series victory, I can accept that. I honestly do not necessarily even disagree with it. (For real, I genuinely dislike what the Astros did. It probably reads as if I do not feel that way. I really do though. I wish sports, and society in general, upheld more idealistic standards of themselves. I’m just very cynical towards many of the people in baseball who are complaining.) I just hope there are plenty of asterisks to hand out to plenty of other teams.
Enough about what my head thinks though, it’s time be honest about what my heart thinks. Often in life my head and heart take different stances on an issue of the day. If I’m being honest, my head will then go out of its way to justify what my heart wants.
Here’s the truth. I can’t stand the Los Angeles Dodgers and I’m glad they lost. It’s just that simple. I don’t pretend this is a noble stance, but it is truthful. That is why I don’t hate the Astros. The Dodgers winning a World Series would have been really annoying. If it had happened, Bill Plaschke would never shut up about it on Around The Horn. Can you imagine how insufferable he would be? Sportscenter in the summer of 2018 would only have consisted of Yasiel Puig highlights. Well, in between NBA free agency news, but other than that, it would be all Puig, all the time. Until Puig got traded to the Cincinnati Reds, then he would be banished from ESPN’s daily talking points. The Reds aren’t hip enough for ESPN to care about.
If the Astros had defeated the Pittsburgh Pirates or Milwaukee Brewers in a World Series, this would have been a column gleefully calling for the crucifixion of the Houston Astros as a bunch of dirty, no-good cheaters. Cheating to beat the Dodgers however, is a small moral price to pay, because it involves beating the Dodgers. In general, my gift of a license to cheat is variable, depending on the opponent.
Similarly, bad calls are, at times, excusable to my heart, based on the opponent. Should Ohio State have defeated Miami in the 2003 Fiesta Bowl to become National Champion? Maybe not, as that pass interference call was a little sketchy. Seeing the Miami Hurricanes lose is an admirable thing however, and we as a society all collectively looked the other way. Fast forward to the 2014 College Football season, and Ohio State is again the recipient of a bad call, getting into the college football playoff over the superior teams of Baylor and TCU, leapfrogging them in the very last week. Probably only due to the playoff committee wanting the TV ratings that Ohio State would generate by being in the inaugural playoff. This time around, unlike during the pass interference year, Ohio State does not fulfill the role of being the sympathetic team. While I gleefully overlook their sketchy claim to the 2002-03 Championship, I do not overlook their sketchy claim to their 2014-15 Championship. Sure they lacked the resume to even be in the playoff, but that would have been excusable if they got into the playoff over an annoying team, like the Hurricanes. Instead Ohio State looks like the big, bad bully, picking on two superior teams which happen to be less prestigious. The moral of the story is to hope your adversary is always the unlikable team.
There are certain teams though, which are so annoying, that I am willing to grant their opponents a permanent License To Cheat. Here you go, my inaugural class of teams from MLB, NFL, and NBA that it okay to cheat to defeat.
- Los Angeles Dodgers – ‘Nuff said.
- San Francisco Giants – The flip side of the West Coast Dodgers coin.
- New York Yankees – Sorry Bronx Bombers, once your payroll goes north of $200M, you’ve lost all of the sympathy to the little guy. That little guy being everyone else.
- Boston Red Sox – The flip side of the East Coast Yankees coin.
- Washington Nationals – They just annoy me.
- Dallas Cowboys – Seriously, do I have to watch these idiots every week as “America’s Game Of The Week” on Fox’s 4pm Sunday NFL game? I’ve literally never met one person outside of Texas who said, “can’t wait to see that Dallas Cowboys game.”
- Not just the Cowboys, but pretty much the entire NFC East.
- Green Bay Packers – The refs love Aaron Rodgers, therefore opponents need to cheat just to even things up.
- Los Angeles Lakers – Your uniforms are ugly.
- Boston Celtics – I’m sick of movies taking place in Boston. The Celtics are just collateral damage from that.
- New York Knicks – Of course, nobody needs to cheat to defeat the Knicks. Odds are, they will defeat themselves. But I’m sick of seeing them on my TV. Until they actually win another championship, they should get zero coverage in the press. Instead, there they are on TV, every Christmas Day at noon, showcasing incompetent basketball for all the world to see. To quote Norm MacDonald, “Happy Birthday, Jesus, I hope you like crap.” They basically only play irrelevant basketball for everyone outside of New York, or to anyone younger than a Baby Boomer. And don’t get me started on Madison Square Garden! All these players, even on other teams, love paying homage to it as some sort cathedral of basketball. Puh-leeze! Not with the Knicks playing there. It’s a cathedral of crap. Therefore, as punishment for all of these transgressions, I am authorizing cheating in perpetuity to defeat the Knicks.
That’s my list, what do you think? Which teams do you dislike so much, you would grant their opponents A License To Cheat? Tweet me and let me know! Or tweet me and tell me that I’m an immoral jackass. That’s fine too.
– MTR
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